Failing at feminism: girls who say “I hate other girls”

Oh, you all know at least one. Who knows, maybe you are one. A girl who hates other girls. A girl who says, “All my friends are guys.” A girl who generalizes about other girls, calling them “bitches” and “superficial” and “annoying,” and using all of those things to justify to other people why you don’t have female friends. Here’s a newsflash, cupcake: you don’t have female friends because you’re an asshole. And quite possibly a huge bitch.

There’s nothing wrong with disliking other individuals, regardless of gender. But when you start proclaiming for everyone to hear that you’re just too awesome to hang around with other people of your gender, you’re saying less about their personality flaws and more about your own. You’re so convinced of your own amazing special snowflake-ness that you’re completely discounting the fact that there may be more women out there just like you. If you don’t like girls who are into fashion and makeup and like to go to the mall, I promise you that you aren’t alone. If you’re annoyed by girls who seem to expend all of their energy on getting guys to like them, there are tons of girls who also hate that. If you like sports or cars or computer programming or video games, well, these are not the domains of men exclusively. Think about it. You’re a girl. You possess all of these qualities that you value in a human being. Why would you choose to believe that you are the only one out there who possesses those qualities as well as being female? It just doesn’t make statistical sense.

Why the need for an “I hate other girls” proclamation? Is there some underlying desperation for male approval, some need to prove that you’re so different from all the other girls out there, when all that boils down to is that you’re one of those chicks who just wants dudes to like her. And does it by insulting and generalizing about other women. And here’s the thing, once you do it, you start to make it OK for everyone to do it. So saying, “Girls are bitches” or “Girls are shallow and catty” just opens up the door for guys to say those things. And I know that girls who hate other girls are the first one to say, “Oh, I’m not like that. I’m like a guy! I like guy things, and guys are easier to be friends with.” So you probably shouldn’t be surprised that all those women that you’re being an asshole about aren’t banging down your door to be your friend. Because by saying all that shit, you’re being shallow and catty. You’re reducing women to stereotypes, while somehow frantically begging everyone not to apply that stereotype to you.

Not to mention, female friends can be awesome. You have stuff in common! You can have easy conversations, or crazy adventures, or build stuff together. You can play video games, or go to baseball games, or take apart engines. Whatever it is that you like to do. Why is it that so many girls think that they can only do those things with guys? People deserve better than to be reduced to their gendered stereotypes. I have awesome female friends. I can have heated discussions about TV shows or great novels or how to best insulate a drafty house against winter winds. We quote bad movies and veto outfits and critique each other’s writing. With some friends, I do “girly” stuff like go to the mall or shop for makeup. But that’s not the sum total of our friendships. We are complex, whole people who interact with each other in complicated and interesting ways. If I were to decide one day that I’m too good to have female friends, or that I hate other girls, I’d be denying myself some of the best and strongest relationships in my life. And, frankly, I feel a little sorry for those girls who have decided that they’re just better than the rest of their gender. Because they’re missing out. We’re awesome. You should want to be our friend.

16 responses to “Failing at feminism: girls who say “I hate other girls”

  1. Amen, sister. A-fucking-men. :)

  2. “We’re awesome. You should want to be our friend.”

    LOL Yeah, we’re just like you. Only prettier. ;)

  3. Hear hear! :) I used to hang out with guys more than girls but that’s because the guys all wanted to sleep with me. They were in a constant state of kissing my ass and I was flattered. I thought they liked me for me.

    That wore off in my early 30s.

    • Great point, Molly. My sister is very much this way, and I can’t wait for her to grow up enough to realize she’s not BORED by women as she claims, simply unable to manipulate them sexually. Huge difference.

  4. Very well said!

  5. This is a great post. Bravo!

  6. Thank you! This has been a pet peeve of mine since high school… I was always offended by these girls, like they were traitors to their own team. Judases. Also- they’re usually quite scandalous.

  7. I’ve never understood why a lot of girls are like this. I often hear this from my female friends, and it’s gotten to be such a recurring thing that it makes me wonder what kind of guy I am for tending to befriend girls like that, even though I find the whole thing self-defeating and of course, at least a little disingenuous. I’m not qualified to speculate on why this phenomenon happens, but I can say that most of my other guy friends find this sentiment uncomfortable as well. What kind of guy would be relieved to hear that their girlfriend or female friend disliked other women? Who would want to be so openly misogynistic?

  8. I like this post a lot. I do think it’s a little harsh though. I find nothing wrong with saying that all or most of your friends are guys. I also don’t think that someone with no female friends is an asshole. That’s almost as big of a generalization as saying “I hate girls”. I know people who say it and it’s quite frustrating. Nevertheless, I also know people who respect women but still prefer the company of men. There’s nothing wrong with that at all.

    • I don’t think the author is saying there’s anything wrong with having a friend group that is mostly male or not; the issue is when you write off having friends based on a gendered stereotype. Some of those girls who choose to associate with guys exclusively do so because they think that other girls are bitchy, catty, fake, superficial, etc. And while there may be women like that, it’s certainly not a trait ascribed to women alone (there are many cis- and trans-men who are also catty, fake, superficial, and annoying). It’s a problem anytime anyone makes a decision based on a gendered stereotype or expected role.

  9. This was very well said. I, as well as many on here, would have to agree that it’s quite frustrating hearing this and quite frankly offensive as well. Hi-five!

  10. It’s interesting, I was recently talking to my friends about this exact thing, about this being my absolute least favorite thing that a person can say. We were discussing it because my boss decided to drop the “I hate girls” line. Now, she being my boss, I couldn’t really go into how ridiculous of a statement that was, but I did mention to her that her roommate and best friend of 25 years is a girl. Apparently she hates girls too. Um, what?

  11. interesting that you don’t hear people say the same about racial/ethnic groups, where one eschews their own in seeking out another for company and approval. i always thought it smacked of desperation when girls/women say this and go on about how much more they like(are like) straight men. Ya know, straight men don’t go around saying they hate men and their BFFs are women.

  12. alexiscatherine

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this.

  13. Awesome. Just…awesome. I am now following this blog. :-)

  14. yeah, there’s plenty of fun nice funny girls out there! you just gotta find them! interesting article.

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