How to update your Facebook status without being a jackass

Yes, I am fully aware that my Facebook status updates are often unnecessary and/or annoying. And, yes, I see that there is a fair bit of hypocrisy involved with me writing about annoying Facebook status updates, but if it’s really a problem for you, feel free to write a blog about how you hate reading someone’s rants on entitled douchebag college kids from New Jersey or bitching about, well, everything imaginable. That said, here are a few types of status updates I’m really sick of seeing:

  • The passive-aggressive: “LOL I just love how [SOME PEOPLE] do [CERTAIN THINGS] and then expect [ME] to do [SOMETHING ELSE]. Must be nice!!! LOL!!! LOL!!!” First of all, fuck off and die with the LOLs. For real. Second, if you’re that pissed off about something that you need to devote your Facebook status to it, just come out and say it. Passive-aggression is lazy and uninteresting,
  • The overshare: personal version: “Had too much Taco Bell last night, and now everything’s making a ‘run for the border.’ Get it? I’M SHITTING NONSTOP. I CAN’T GET OFF THE TOILET.” No one wants to hear about the state of your: bowels, uterus, primary or secondary sex characteristics, or foot fungus. Keep it between you and your doctor.
  • The overshare: offspring version: All of those things people don’t want to hear about you? They really don’t want to hear it about your kids. I’m going to be the one to go ahead and break this to parents all across Facebook-land: the only people interested in knowing the progress of a child’s potty training are that child’s parents. Not the world at large. And sure as hell not with pictures. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT WHY ARE THERE PICTURES OF POOP OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
  • The overshare: pregnancy version: People are happy you’re having a baby. They’re generally glad for vague updates or big news (Two weeks left! It’s a girl!) Whatever. That’s all fine. Minute-by-minute updates are just tedious; and coy, barely-disguised references to your bodily changes or functions are just gross and unnecessary. Lots of people are creeped out by sonogram pictures as profile pictures, too. I’m just saying.
  • The political: In the spirit of full disclosure: I am completely guilty of this one. And I’ve been defriended, “hidden,” had nasty wall posts about it; all sorts of things. Those are the risks you run when you use Facebook as a political platform and take a decisive stand on a controversial issue. Especially if you know that many of the people on your friends list hold different political views. If you’re looking to spark a discussion, or a fight, this is the quickest way to do it. Be warned, though: political posts really bring out the nastier sides of people.
  • The “please save that for the divorce papers” (bonus if it’s from a spouse’s hacked account): “John Doe is a lying, cheating scumbag who doesn’t care about his wife and beautiful children and would rather sneak off to screw dirty hookers than enjoy the love his family wanted to provide.” Dudes. Seriously. If you have any friends in common, you’re making it very uncomfortable for them. For everyone else, you’re providing endless entertainment.
  • The catfight (gender-neutral): “Jane Smith thinks that bitches need to stop hanging all over her man. He HAS a real woman and doesn’t need your tacky-ass bad dye job-having too-small jeans-wearing slut ass self.” “Joe Jones is going to fucking murder the next fucker who looks at his girl. That means you, bro at the party with the blue striped shirt on. I will find you.” This, while often tremendously amusing, is just stupid. If you’re so insecure in your relationship that you need to call people out on Facebook, perhaps there are larger issues at hand.
  • The vague complaint that’s just begging for attention and reassurance: “SO WORRIED about the news. Hoping this time is better.” “Not sure how much more I can take! I’m at the end of my rope!” “Feeling really ugly and sad today. I guess I should know better than to be loved and appreciated.” Honestly, people, I would have so much respect for someone who posted, “You know what? I really need attention right now. Can people please make comments about how beautiful and strong and what a good person/spouse/parent I am? Thanks.” Because that’s what those status updates so obviously are. Cries for attention. Which is cool, but be up front about it.
  • The schmoopy: We get it. You love your significant other. It’s great, really. Love is pretty awesome. Letting other people know you love your significant other is pretty awesome too. Just keep it, you know, non-vomit-inducing. There’s a world of difference between, “I have the best husband in the world! He made such a good dinner tonight!” and “OMG I’m soooo lucky that the love of my life is always there to make me the happiest person ever!!! Kisses and hugs forever, honeybear!!!!” I don’t need to tell you that.
  • The “If you think ______ and support _______, copy and paste this as your status. 95% of people won’t. Are you a strong enough person to take a stand?”: These status updates need to die. After being beaten soundly with a baseball bat. It’s good to feel ways about stuff, but these copy and paste updates are tedious and annoying.

Other places to make fun of Facebook status updates:
Failbook
Lamebook
STFU, Parents
STFU, Couples

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9 responses to “How to update your Facebook status without being a jackass

  1. I judge that last group of people the harshest, because they think they’re making a difference somehow.

  2. ILY. I just really fucking love you.

    Also, please review my status updates and let me know if any of mine ever fall into any of these categories. Because I never want that to happen.

  3. Maybe we need to make some ground rules for general account settings as well:

    Babies!!!!!

  4. Hilarious and spot on!

  5. Oh, so, SO true! And the baby-as-avatar has GOT to stop!

  6. If, in the future, I ever start posting pictures of my uterus, you have permission to de-friend me.

  7. I think my ex-boyfriend used every single one of these.

    That’s part of the reason why he’s my ex.

  8. Yeah, I am The Political. I think it got me blocked by my Born Again step-sister.
    I would like to add the “StumbleUponer”. I share Stumbles excessively on Facebook. In my defense, they are pretty funny.

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