Why winter is an asshole

I really do not understand people who love winter. “It’s so magical!” “It’s so beautiful!” “All the warm, fuzzy clothes!” No. No way. Winter is a hellish bastard of a season, and it needs to end as quickly as possible. Here’s why:

-Snow. Yes, snow is pretty when it’s delicately perched on tree limbs and blanketing the rolling hills in white. However, snow does not exist only in postcards. In order to navigate through your life when there’s snow, you have to figure out a way to get around it, through it, over it, or exert an absurd amount of energy making it go away. And then you have the added bonus that everyone forgets how to drive, and you can count on almost being run off the road by a douche who thinks that 4-wheel drive makes them freaking Zeus on his chariot, with no regard for the lesser beings who are trying to survive everyone else’s stupidity.

-Everything is cold and wet. Your feet. The floor. Your hair. The dogs. The hem of your pants. There’s just this frigid, soggy mess that attaches itself to every damn thing and won’t go away until April.

-Bundling up. Dude, it is a pain in the ASS to wear fifty layers of clothes every day. Locating lost gloves. Finding a coat that fits over the giant sweater. Having a thousand pairs of socks because the ones you’re wearing will eventually be cold and wet.

-Christmas. Yeah, I hate Christmas. I’m Jewish and I work in retail. I hate Christmas carols, I hate red and green, I hate the forced cheeriness, I hate Santa. Yes, I hate Santa. He creeps me out. I hate claymation Christmas cartoons and It’s a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Story for a month straight. And then I hate the Christmas aftermath. I don’t get how people can make a one day holiday last for ten weeks. It’s absurd.

-Heat is freaking expensive. Heating a house costs a ton of money. And you never really shake the chill in your bones.

-Driving becomes ridiculous. Aside from the aforementioned driving in snow shenanigans, now you have to warm up the car, scrape the windshield, make sure you have a shovel and some ice melter or kitty litter in the trunk. You go through windshield washer fluid like crazy, because everything has a dirty, sludgy film on it. Your floor mats become sponges for dirty, cold, wet stuff that sticks to your boots.

-It’s pitch black at 4:30 pm. Come on. My light therapy box can only do so much. Where’s the freaking sun?

Should I move away from here to somewhere that has less dramatically differing seasons? Probably. Is it easier to stay here and bitch about it? Absolutely. Plus, winter sucks so much that it makes me appreciate summer that much more.

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3 responses to “Why winter is an asshole

  1. Everything said here x 1000. That was awesome.

  2. I live somewhere where the seaons aren’t so dramatic and I still hate winter. People always tell me that the summers here are too hot. “Really?” I say. “Yes. It is so difficult shoveling that sunshine off my driveway or scraping the heat off my car while wearing ovgloves. Screw you people. I’ll take a hot summer over a nasty winter any day.” Thanks for reaffirming my hate for all things winter.

  3. Hmmmmmm…spoken from your east coast attitude. Knowing someone from Minnesota (and actually having been there yourself during summer (which occurs between 10:23AM and 6:55PM every July 18th) and winter – which is the rest of the year- that human life can exist with minor fashion adjustments……they just don’t take them off very often (Re: Sauna). Yes, heating is an issue in the winter which is why buildings in Minnesota have 3 foot walls made out of material unfamiliar to east coasters which can keep out the cold as well as most known artillery shells. Vehicles are indeed 4×4 by law and all have plug in heaters to actually allow them to start after being left outside. One good byproduct of the cold is that a housing shortage does not exist since houses can be constructed on frozen lake, albeit the basements are normally flooded.
    So don’t complain too much…I know a couple companies in Blaine are hiring…..

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